


Staring

by LimeyJellyBean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Disassociation, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24186229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LimeyJellyBean/pseuds/LimeyJellyBean
Summary: Sometimes feeling disconnected from things can happen to the best of us, but having someone there to help makes it a whole lot more bearable
Kudos: 8





	Staring

Disassociation.

It felt strange, to finally have a word to describe the emptiness he was feeling, why staring in to space took up all of his spare time and attention when there were a million other more important things he could be doing. It rolled oddly off his tongue, felt foreign in his mouth, didn't sit right in his head. Finally having a word for it also did jack shit to fill the empty void in his stomach, did nothing to quell the urge to do something but having no motivation to do so.

So he stared.

And stared.

And stared.

He was sure others must have noticed the change in demeanour, but were either too polite to say anything or weren't sure how to best approach the subject. He'd caught their worried glances, heard their whispered concerns yet did nothing. Showed no outward signs that their concerns had been heard or did anything to ease their worry. It was easier that way. He hated being the centre of attention at the best of times, being fretted over only made things worse. Being fretted over meant lashing out, hurting people, saying things he couldn't take back – or at least made no intention of doing immediately. So they learnt to leave him alone, waited for him to make the first move, for him to offer the first olive branch. The only constant throughout it all had been Castiel, the only person Dean had allowed to stay with him, to help make the gnawing emptiness a little more tolerable. A silent companion, but a comfortable presence. He helped Dean to feel a little more relaxed, a little more grounded, a little more... Normal. Whatever normal was these days anyway.

It was Castiel coming back in to the room that briefly brought Dean out of the bought of staring he had buried himself in, tray of food in his hands. A brief flicker of disappointment crossed Dean's face as he noticed there was no beer, but he sat up regardless, accepting the tray as Castiel passed it to him.

"Thanks, Cas.” Even speaking was a slog, the words coming out barely more than a whisper as the angel perched himself on the end of the bed. He only nodded in response, looking away so that Dean wouldn't feel uncomfortable having someone watch him eat. Dean looked at the tray, sighing as he did so. He knew he had to eat, but the task of doing so seemed almost daunting, his stomach gurgling for food yet arms unwilling to pick up the cutlery.

“C'mon, Winchester. Gotta eat.”

_'Do you deserve it?'_ Dean shook his head, trying to clear out the voice that niggled in the back of his head, the one that picked at him whenever this happened. _'The effort that goes in to keeping you alive, and for what? So you can waste your days staring in to space, doing nothing more than existing? Pathetic.'_ Dean shook his head again, more forcefully this time and picked up the fork that had been laid out so neatly on the tray. He stabbed at the plate, only now appreciating the smell as he tore hungrily in to the chicken, stomach still gurgling as it took in its first proper meal in days. Castiel briefly looked back at him, heart sinking slightly at the sight of the hunter, anger flaring that this is what one of the best hunters in the world had been reduced to. He balled his fist, trying to keep his anger at bay, taking a deep breath to try and calm himself down.

“You okay, Cas?” Castiel's eyes snapped open at the same time as his hand, surprised that Dean had noticed.

“I... Yes, Dean. I'm fine.”

“That doesn't look fine.” Dean pointed to Castiel's hand with the fork, voice small and almost husky from lack of use. Then it was Castiel's turn to sigh, turning to face the hunter, hesitating.

“I... I just wish there was more I could do for you, something more I could do to help you.” Dean shifted the tray away from himself where it couldn't be knocked and scooted closer to the angel. He lifted his hand, hesitantly, before placing it on the angel's shoulder.

“You're doing the best you can, Cas. You're keeping me fed, keeping me alive... Your company is the best I can ask for right now, 'cause this happens a lot.” Castiel looked down to his lap, cursing himself for never noticing it sooner. “Hey.” Dean lifted his chin back up so he was looking the hunter in the eyes. There was warmth there that had been absent, a small glimmer of it working its way back to the hunter.

“I just have to ride this out. Who knows, tomorrow I might be right as rain and as if nothing happened. It's just something that needs time.” Castiel nodded, bringing Dean in to an embrace and sighing.

_'You don't deserve this kindness.'_

“Shut up.” Castiel moved away, confusion on his face. “Oh, not you. Trying to get the demons in my head to shut their cake-holes, y'know? Hoping one day they might actually listen.” Dean shrugged, a hint of a smile playing on his lips as he settled again on the bed. He patted the empty side, an invitation for Castiel to sit beside him as he reached down the side of the bed for the remote.

“Ah – no shoes or coat. Room rules.” Castiel chuckled, removing his shoes and coat before settling back in to that invitational spot, waiting for Dean to get comfortable. “You don't mind if I just throw something on, do you? Background noise to help me relax 'n'all?” Castiel shook his head, getting himself more comfortable as Dean lay down beside him.

“Whatever makes you happiest Dean. That's the most important right now.” It was Dean's turn to chuckle.

“Sap.” Castiel shrugged as Dean shook his head, but there was no mistaking the smile on the hunter's face. Maybe having Castiel to help him through his bouts of disassociation wasn't so bad after all.


End file.
